We see it all over, one extreme, then the other: People shouting about the toxic masculinity or the soy boys and everything in between, men are bombarded with how they should be.
Men are more cautious than ever, more PC than ever, and the fact is that it is actually destroying relationships, self-esteem, certainty in oneself, and the nuclear family structure.
I will not discuss other genders for the simple reason that I am only discussing masculinity. Do what you want, but if you want to be respected, simply respect others who do what they want, even if you don’t agree with them. As long as you are not hurting anyone or yourself, go for it.
So let’s keep it moving, I am not attempting to be divisive, I am addressing the current struggle many men “in the middle” have with masculinity.
Ten Traits of Masculinity*:
- To have the ability to know and regulate your feelings.
- To express yourself and to say what you need and what you are feeling.
- Not to expect others to read your mind to satisfy you, communicate always.
- The ability to discuss roles and tasks with your partner and to find compromises that satisfies both needs.
- To understand and communicate the value of your partner’s role, once you decide what those are.
- Resolving conflicts by discussing what the issue is in the very moment it arises, seeking a solution, instead of pushing it to tomorrow or ignoring it.
- To be able to discuss with your partner who you are, what motivates you, and what you want in the future, and you do it regularly, and you listen to her.
- To have the ability to be dangerous when it is called for but to have it under control
- The ability to provide and protect is a natural masculine trait, embrace it and be that man who is always there for their women and family.
*This is not an exhaustive list.
I define “the middle” as the guys who feel drawn to provide and protect as well as to care for and nurture their families, but are not sure how or where they fit in and often feel alone and misunderstood, which leads to frustration or going to one extreme or the other and that’s just not healthy.
Sure, I can say, “I don’t care what people think, I will be a hard ass, and they can kiss it” but that shuts down your ability to have empathy and regulate emotion.
Let’s focus on where to start. As with anything in life, knowing who you are is the key to any sort of advancement. If I ask you “who are you”, what would you answer? Some would say “father, CEO, or Soldier” but that is not who you are, it is what you do.
So, how do you find your identity? Read our book “Unleash Your Humble Alpha”, the first chapter gets you there, grab it on Audible or Amazon.
Once you know who you are, you’re clear on your true power, and once you realize that, the world looks different because you can focus on what is powerful and productive. This clarity leads to ease of life and ease in your relationships.
This foundation is the seed for balanced masculinity, the masculinity that women crave, many don’t crave the macho, gun-toting, beard-wearing, tattoo sleeve-having tough guy for the long term, but it does have its appeal for sure.
It may be controversial, yet I believe every woman wants a truly masculine man beside her to make her feel safe, secure, and taken care of. Now before you go off on me about women not needing a man, I am not disputing that, I am simply stating that most women I know and have spoken to, and it is thousands, want a real man, whatever that means to them, but the facts are there.
For me, masculinity is all about taking responsibility for ourselves in all aspects, dropping the victim mindset, and not allowing societal stereotypes to dictate how we step into the world.
You are perfect as you are, everyone is, so why be someone else? Why not be you? Why hold back? Don’t do it, live fully as who you are, but you need to know who that is first, so read chapter one of the book.
Deciding to be responsible sounds easy yet most avoid it when it gets uncomfortable, but I can tell you this: If all you do is based on genuine personal core principles and values, then you are free to say and do what you feel is right. People around you will respect this immensely and listen to what you have to say.
I can go on, but you get the point, don’t you? Or maybe you disagree, comment on why would love to hear it.
Let’s move to women. It is undisputed that women want a “real man” and a “real man” is one who cares for, nurtures, and is unconditionally there to protect and provide. Yes, he needs love and care, but I’m not speaking for the women here, so I can’t go into that.
Women are powerful, very powerful, and we as men need them to reach our peak in being masculine and powerful. My belief is that a man becomes a true man when a woman is beside him because she is his mirror and motivation. This is truly the final point in reaching the masculine state because you no longer are “trying to be”, you “just are”.
Men all over the world, especially in the Western World, are complaining that there are no good women out there. I would ask that these men first ask why they are not attracting the woman they want. It is because the frequency they are emitting is scarcity and neediness, not one of the masculine provider and protector with the ease of care and love, it is really that simple, which is why women are complaining that there are no real men!
Getting there requires men to step up, and be honest with themselves and the world around them by being assertive in their beliefs, not aggressive or macho, please.
Many men over 45 who are suddenly alone find themselves in a dilemma and can get depressed, worried, and scared they will be alone. I want to actually congratulate these men! They are at the peak of life, the best time to own their presence, become the man they know they are, and start living life to its fullest.
I personally became single again at the age of 54, it was a shock, and it was very difficult until I got help from coaches and mentors and good women. I am excited, motivated, and productive, AND I feel more masculine than ever before. It is an assurance, a knowing, which alleviates any judgment of others, it can even alleviate the endless expectations others have because you are clear and relaxed.
In the 1960s, a new ideal of a man appeared: a man who paid more attention to women’s feelings and needs. This however led to the current issue of “man boys”, who are no longer there to provide and to protect, they end up adopting more feminine traits, which is fine to a degree but the integration of the feminine in the masculine is key. Unfortunately, this phenomenon has led to men being confused, wondering why they can’t please their women, or why they are not respected.
These “man boys” spend most of their time living according to their ego of an angry child not taking responsibility for their actions and are waiting for everyone around them to guess and figure out what they need and fulfill these needs, otherwise they pout and get angry.
Practically, this means that the woman picks up the mother role for the family, including the man. The man in this position gets into a very strange role of a man who provides but at the same time is acting like a child in a man’s body. Sound harsh? Ask women, look at the media, and watch TV shows, many cater to this ideal, but it is not pretty!
Wow, that sits, I was there, it was not a good place to be, and I will never be there again. We are all responsible for ourselves, let’s ensure we start each day knowing and embracing this.
If you want to get started in changing your life for the better then read our book, do the work, and you will be on a path of greatness like you never experienced.
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Steady onward, upward!
Steven Kuhn